Captain X-Ploit: Sara and Maxi’s magnificent monetary mischievous maneuver.

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
Sara and Maxi’s magnificent monetary mischievous maneuver.
– Part 4 of the epic chronicle –
Strangers are just Enemies you haven’t met.

After the alien left, restoring time to its usual single dimensional, flowy self, Max and Sara found themselves at the library. Hunched over a computer, Sara was reading her way through the wiki entries on several celebrities as Maxwell was standing next to her with an awe-filled grin plastered on his face.

“Sara?” he asked, “Yes, Maxi?” Sara responded with a stunning smile on her face. “So like… wow, you’re telling me I can take any of these books and no one would care?” he asked. His fascination with this concept had less to do with the concept of taking things without people caring and more with the concept that other places were supposed to operate differently. Being famous, handsome, and lucky he had never found people to be opposed to him taking whatever he wanted anyway.

“Well, yes… but you have to run them through the little machine over there,” she gestured with a hand, not removing her eyes from the screen, “before you can leave with it.”

“Weird,” Max said trailing off, distracted by a girl walking by. “I think I’ve got all the information I need,” she said snapping Max’s attention back to her.  “So like… what are we doing again?” Max asked, looking confused as Sara began to scribble several notes onto her hand. She smiled at Max without a hint of exasperation even though she’d explained it over thirty times on the way to the library.

Later that day at the bank:

Sara walked in confidently, leaving Max outside to ponder the complex plan. “Hi, I’m Sara Paylyn,” she said to the teller, “and I’d like to withdraw all my monies.”

“Sure thing Mrs. Paylyn, we just need to ask a question. For security reasons, of course.” Sara nodded and the lady began her list of questions.

“What is your pet’s name?”

Sara hastily glanced at her hand and responded quickly “Birstal.”

“Fantastic, Mrs. Paylyn! How much would you like to withdraw.”

Sara pretended to think for a moment before responding “All of it, I think.”

Several moments later:

Sara was standing outside the bank with $4,312,632.13, explaining to Max how she would surely win the contest now, when Max interrupted, “CONTEST!!! Oh man, I love contests… I wanna be a part of it!” Sara smiled at him wondering if every clone had hacking skill.

“Go for it, Maxi! What’s your plan?” she asked.

Max just shook his head, not wanting to reveal his brilliant plan, and walked confidently into the bank. At the counter the teller looked at him and said, “How can I help you, handsome?”

“Ya, hi, I’m some, like, rich dude and I want to, like, get my money… you know, like, for spending.”

“Okay…,” the lady said, her smile wavering for a moment, “What’s your name.”

“Maxwe…,” he stopped himself, “ahh… I mean,” his eyes dashed about wildly for a name he could use, “Trisha Smith” he exclaimed with a smile as he read her name tag.

Her eyes went wide for moment in shock as she responded “That’s my name, sir… what is YOUR name” she said.

His eyebrows furrowed in deep thought before reading another name off the business card on the counter. “Emmet Brown” he responded with a smile.

“You’re not Mr. Brown! Mr. Brown owns this bank and you’re far more handsome than he is.”

“I had plastic surgery…” Max smiled his perfect smile at her.

“Okay, well I have to ask you this question to be sure. What is your favorite color?”

Max puzzled for a moment thinking how to respond before he finally decided to guess at random, “Hot Pink”

Trisha looked astonished, staring at him “Emmet, is that really you?”

“Yes, now, I’d like to take the money please.”

“Of course, sir,” she said shuddering a little, “How much do you need?”

“All of it would be nice,” he responded without hesitation.

All of the money in the bank?” she asked in amazement.

“Yes.” He responded politely with a smile.

That night at midnight:

Sara and Max were standing waiting for David to appear. Sara couldn’t help but feel a little crestfallen. As much as she liked Max and enjoyed seeing him win, she had only $4 million to her name whereas Max had walked off with the entire contents of the bank. Which happened to be transported at the moment in the truck of a man he had paid $1,000.

At least I can still beat David, that smug jerk, she thought as she saw David and Tedward walking up the street toward her.

At last we’re back to the hacking contest betwixt David and Sara – and Maxwell it seems – with Sara (and Max) using a tried and true exploit against weak authentication. I love the part where Maxi (AKA the stupidest life form in existence) is the one to hit the mother-lode by sheer dumb (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) luck. Much like the “hackers”, script kiddies and others who are routinely publicized by the panic-stricken (and panic-mongering) popular press. It ain’t rocket science folks. But it works. Really, really well. I’m still pulling for David and his mouse minions, though. How can you not be partial to plans involving cohorts like Mr. Biscuits, Señor Sparkles and Dr. Whiskers?

Captain X-Ploit: Maxwell D. Higgens

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
A life without love is a life wasted… or whatever. ~ Maxwell D. Higgens
– Special Edition –

This is a story about Maxwell, it begins in the lab of an alien ship floating somewhere in the Betelgeuse system.

Stan cast his eyes around the lab looking for someone to exclaim in amazement to. He had done it! Finally and definitely done it. In the DNA of one human baby named David Nicholas Stone he had found what he had suspected all along. What he had found was in fact, a gene that actualized only favorable outcomes for its owner.

It had been speculated that such a gene existed ever since Blungo of the Solaris Nebula placed a million cat-like creatures in a million boxes that released poison randomly and found after 20 trials that only one cat remained. Having based his trial more on a hatred of the cat like creatures rather than an actual belief it would yield more information than was already known. In anger at his failing Blungo promptly threw the creature out the window where it fell 400 feet landing on all fours comfortable on a mattress that by incredible odds was being delivered to the building that day. Blungo then spent the rest of his life following the cat-like creature. That is to say, Blungo followed that cat until Blungo died… the cat still lives on due to randomly gaining immortality by being struck with lightning while lapping up some particularly tasty cream in a field of warm pillows that smell of tuna.

Stan, desperate to prove to the world he had indeed found the gene proceeded to clone David and activate this gene as hastily as possible, cutting out any dominant traits that even looked like they could limit or cause the “Luck Gene” to not display properly. 9 months later the baby was placed on earth to be examined by a universe full of excited scientists. He was left in the care of an extremely lucky couple who had wanted a baby since the first time they had won the lottery but had never managed to conceive.

It was a perfect summer night when Mrs. Higgens found a baby had been left in front of their mansion with a note reading “The fate of the universe does not lie in his hands, but he’s pretty cute. He represents hundreds of years of work and I’ll miss him. So take care of him. Or I’ll disintegrate you.” The Higgens couple just assumed it was a joke and the child was left by some teenage girl not ready to raise him. This mattered little to them, however, because their final dream had come true. They had a son.

Maxwell grew up different from most of the children. Statistics didn’t seem to apply to him, his brilliant blond hair and stunning blue eyes, the fact he had never been sick a day in his life, the mind boggling circumstance that whenever presented with an exam he circled at random and received 100%’s.

His life was magical and beyond perfection. He was everything everyone wanted to be, stunningly handsome, unfathomably lucky and inconceivably wealthy. His luck gave him everything, save for one part of his being, his intelligence.  It became blindingly obvious as Maxwell grew that in addition to being unbelievably lucky he was also profoundly stupid.

At the tender age of 18 Maxwell found himself in California after leaving his house in hopes of finding the one thing his luck had never given him, a girl he could love. His quest began shortly after the 37th girl, an international super model in this case, that pledged her undying soul in devotion to him. After hearing how she said he made her feel he knew he must find a girl who could make him feel that way. He began his search in his usual way, by wandering around aimlessly for several hours.

After finding himself in California, roughly 1000 miles from where he started, he figured he’d better buy a house and some food. A few charges to his credit card later he found himself living in Beverly hills with a piece of pizza in his hands.

Several years and 462 girls professing their love on the first date later, he found himself to be one of the world’s most esteemed and famous actors, having won countless awards after accidentally wandering onto the live set of a movie and as he put it ‘just going with it’. But countless awards, unheard of amount of money, and innumerable numbers of nights with super models seemed to bring him no closer to his quest.  The universe couldn’t deny him his dream endlessly, however. One day an alien walked into his bed room with news that would bring him one step closer to his true dream.

“Did Ryan send you to show the girls out?” Maxwell asked from his bed which happened to contain and indeed be surrounded by 8 of the most beautiful human females the alien had ever seen. The alien, who was about 9-feet tall, grey, with an odd shaped head and pitch black eyes, was momentarily confused by the question.

“No, I’m here to collect the David clone. You were supposed to be in Trustonia months ago!” the alien replied.

“Really? Is that what all that mail I kept getting that said ‘fate of the universe’ and crap like that, was all about?” Maxwell asked simply.

“Did you not think it odd that your butlers keep moving to Trustonia to prepare your house?” the alien asked in amazement at Maxwell’s stupidity.

“That’s what they were doing? I thought they were moving there to look for more girls to bring me,” Maxwell replied.

“Look, just come with me, I’ve paused time and I need to introduce you to the other,” the alien explained.

Several (what would have been, if time was not paused) hours later in Trustonia:

“Greetings Miss Boulder, I bring with me…” the alien was in the middle of saying when the gorgeous man interrupted hastily “Wow! A world full of people who don’t move! Oh, I know, we must be in Canada! Yes that’s got to be it.” The alien looked pained by the handsome man’s obvious stupidity as he finished his thought “Maxwell Damian Higgens, perhaps the stupidest life form in existence.”

Sara’s jaw dropped in amazement. A more perfect face she could not dream of. Her soul all but wept for wanting of the visage that danced in front of her believing eyes. At that point she knew two things. One, she would pledge her every breath to him and two she would have him.

Note from the author:

Well at long last I finally offer you the back story of Maxwell Higgens. I feel this release has to come with an apology for its lateness. Believe it or not I actually wrote three different introductions for Maxwell.  But each of the others didn’t quite capture what I wanted Maxwell to be. I will make no more promises on release dates since work, school, friends and life keep getting in the way of my weekly goal of writing Captain X-ploit. I will state however, if you wish to get updates on what’s going on in the world of Trustonia, hop on over to Facebook and fan this series. I will post updates there.

Captain X-Ploit: The Throw Down

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
The Throw Down
– Part 1 of the epic chronicle –
Strangers are just Enemies you haven’t met.

David locked eyes with Sara. He stared into her piercing, expressive honey colored eyes set in a soft, flawless face framed in shimmering matching honey hair. David drew a ragged breath as his eyes drank in the most beautiful sight he’d beheld in his life. Behind her the sun was setting in the distance softening her outline and bordering it with a shimmering glow of soft orange light. Her eyes seemed cut him to his soul and read his substance.

A sharp slap on his back brought David back to reality. “I see you have at long last met the one called Sara, David.” Ted exclaimed joyfully. David didn’t speak and instead continued to stare at Sara. “Not to understate your physique or allure my friend but I do believe our alien companions managed to improve on a few of your features and convert your icy stare with a piercing gaze of pure honey warmth.”

The girl’s smile shattered and her eyes turned dark. Her angered stare seemed to rip from him every emotion he had and replace them with a dark gloom. What did I do? He wondered. He shook his head Wait, why do I care? Damn it! It’s those eyes, they’re controlling. He concentrated and managed to break her stare. As he did she opened her mouth.

“So this is the famous ‘David Stone’ who stole my rightful spot as ruler of this town, who caused my father to leave me alone and helpless.”

“What?” David said confused.

“Did you think the aliens just conjured me up? No, they cloned me from you! Ugh, the thought that you and I are almost the same makes me sick.” She spat out the word you like it left a bitter taste in her mouth. “They put me on earth 6 years ago as a baby under the care of my ‘father’ to grow up into the next generation of hacker. Everything was fine until you duped my clueless father into trading his car for a drawing. A drawing I made to boot! He was so ashamed when he found out it was a hoax that he left town. Leaving me to starve in the street.” She turned her destroying gaze to Ted.

“Then YOU couldn’t even keep the government off his back and the aliens abducted me and force grew me 13 years so I could take his place early. Only to have no effect because you two managed to ‘save the day’ somehow, leaving me out in the cold.” She turned back to David and said “So, why don’t you prove you’re so damn good that you deserve the job I was made for. Why don’t you and I have a little competition?”

“I’m game.” David said, angrily taking her challenge. “What did little missy have in mind?”

“The person to exploit the most money out of this town by midnight tomorrow seems fair.” She said.

And so we have it, the gauntlet had been thrown. Can the original beat version 2.0? Log on next week to find out!

David is back! And doubled to boot. Sort of. This exploit contest should be extremely amusing for us. For the luckless inhabitants of Trustonia, not so much. And even in this there is a deeper message [to the extent that there is a message, deeper or otherwise here]. One wonders how often in the real world outside Trustonia truly epic exploits arise from a simple challenge between hackers.

Captain X-Ploit:
Too cool for babes.

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
Too cool for babes.
– Part 4 of the epic chronicle –
Captain X-Ploit vs. The Law

And so life returned to normal for David… at least, he settled into a new normal, being part time vice president and full time hacker. Yes indeed, a quiet boring normal life… was never really something David had or wanted. So this slight normality bothered him to an extent. After his adventures getting Ted into office then making his conveniently named dog the vice president so he could step in the position whenever the need arose, life was feeling rather empty and dull.

There were however several things that loomed in the near future that threatened to destroy David altogether… or at least keep him pretty busy. We shall learn of some in the future but for now two major things were about to hit our happy protagonist like a freight train. The aliens’ plans to convert Trustonia into a “land of hot college girls ready to go wild, and old people shaking their walking sticks in anguish at the former group” had hit a snag. It seems the climate control mechanism broke and threw Trustonia into record breaking low temperatures. The aliens were, of course, outraged and called Ted to yell at him. Ted having been promoted to HUMAN REPRESENTATIVE to the aliens.

Ted’s promotion came when he was declared president; the aliens felt it would be a good idea to have contact with a powerful human leader. Ted agreed because he rather enjoyed being a “Human Representative” as opposed to his old position “Cheap Human Unable to Protest.” Or CHUMP for short. Although Ted had nothing to do with the breaking and less to do with the fixing, he’d become the person the aliens enjoyed yelling at. There’s something universally satisfying about yelling at a president in a Tuxedo, it’s like sticking it to the man on a somewhat literal level.

The machine breaking was little more than a minor annoyance for David. But, he was beginning to enjoy the warm and now it was freezing. He scowled as he walked down the street wondering how he’d deal with it. Those bloody aliens and their crappy machines. You’d think they could at least get global warming RIGHT. We were doing a fine job with cars and air conditioners anyway. I hardly think…. Wait. AIR CONDITIONERS! The thought dawned on him like… Something that… dawns. In a flash he had his cell phone out and had Ted on the line.

Ted held up an index finger to a particularly loquacious alien and answered his phone with this observation, “I find the fact that my cellular telephone works in space to be genuinely shocking.” David replied,  “It’s a little known secret that cell phones are actually powered by magic and voodoo, it has VERY little to do with those big towers with the red blinky lights. Anyway, that’s not why I called.” David said, “I called because I need you to schedule a presidential press conference, I think I have a way to fix this damnable cold weather in Trustonia.”

That evening Ted and David appeared on every news media outlet explaining how recent science has proven that the part of the brain responsible for making you feel cold can be semi-permanently reprogrammed if you spend a long enough time in a cold environment. Unfortunately to achieve a “cold environment” one would have to run their air conditioner at full blast during winter.  They recommended a large scale test of this new scientific theory in the town of Trustonia.

It took about a week for David’s plan to take full affect but with every single person in town running multiple air conditioners at full blast the outside temperature began to rise steadily. Smiling David shed his annoying coat in favor of his favorite worn t-shirt. He had almost completely forgotten about the other thing that loomed on his horizon. He had forgotten about it right up until he walked into it. “Ow!” David thought as he corrected his balance and looked into the eyes of Sara Boulder.

So it appears that the office of vice-president is a big snoozer. That’s probably why Nicky [David’s dog] isn’t interested in it either. At least there’s still hacking going on in Trustonia. This time the good Captain uses a classic hack – exploiting an unintended side-effect of a seemingly unrelated process to get around the controls of the process of interest. Definitely a classic. Now we’re left to wonder who this “Sara Boulder” is. I have a feeling we’ve seen her before.