The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
David’s Amazing Cross Dimensional Christmas Special!
– Christmas Special –
Featuring Olive DunBeef and Tedward Jones
David walked down the stairs on this glorious Christmas morning to find a tall blonde women standing next to his tree.
“Wow, Santa really outdid himself on my present this year.” David said. The women shot him a dark look and then said, “Look, we don’t have much time. I’m Olive DunBeef with Border Division of the FBI. I’m from a parallel universe and we desperately need one, David Nicholas Stone to come back with me to our universe and save Christmas from the hands of another parallel universe’s me who seeks to destroy it by means of using the Grinch who she picked up in another parallel universe.”
David paused for a moment, pondering the unfathomable bizarreness of being David Stone. Ultimately he responded, “Sounds fun, but wouldn’t folding the fabric of space time and traveling between alternate dimensions have a negative effect on the time space continuum or something?” Olive paused for a moment before responding hesitantly, “uhh… well… last time…” Just then David burst into laughter “I’m just messing with ya, sounds fun… let’s go. But wait it’s already Christmas, aren’t we already too late?” “No,” Olive explained, “In our dimension it is still Christmas Eve and we have one day to save Christmas!”
5 minutes later:
As they were preparing to jump to the parallel universe Ted wandered in. After a quick briefing to apprise the Commander In Chief of this dimension’s United States of the situation, President Ted said “Well that sounds like a delightful good deed. I’ll go with you!” David looked at Ted weirdly for a moment before saying “Really man, really?”
2 hours later in a parallel dimension:
“So let me get this straight, Evil Olive has used cutting edge technology to clone the Grinch 500 times and is going to have him steal Christmas from your universe because she’s “a dick” [making finger quotes] and you want me…,” “and me!” Ted chimed in, “…to save Christmas by the means of our magical brains and experience with cloning situations.” David said. “Pretty much,” Olive said, “Do you think you can do it?”
David paused for a moment, “Of course. I’ve got an idea, but I’ll need access to a cloning machine and the ability to travel multiple dimensions.” “We can only give you the multiple dimensions thing, we can’t clone here.” Olive said sounding crushed. David’s grin faded as he tried to figure out how he was going to fix the problem. “David,” Ted exclaimed, “I do believe I might have a favorable solution to this quandary of a pickle we seem to find ourselves occupying at the moment. I seem to recall the aliens in our dimension saying that they owed us for finding a round-about way to fix their heat machine and those same aliens have a cloning machine!” “Brilliant work Tedward!” David exclaimed, “We must hurry if we wish to save Christmas in time though.” “Quick! Gather your things, good friend, and let this adventure begin.”
Olive looked at them with amazement and said “you guys can’t seriously be this disgustingly cheery and over the top all the time.” David gave her with a look of pure horror as he said, “Well duh, of course not! But this is a Christmas adventure… you’re supposed to be completely over the top and cheery.” Olive smiled and said “Ok, well if we’re going to save Christmas I guess we’d best get on with it. What’s your plan?”
5 hours later:
“Ok, after stopping in about a billion dimensions and after two of the most boring hours of my life, I think we are finally set.” David said. “I actually must concur with you on the tedious nature of the previous two hours friend. One would think that a process as multifarious and remarkable as cloning a living being would be more stimulating. But at any rate, what comes next in our ingenious plan?” Ted responded.
“Well let’s see. First we traveled to the dimension of holidays and picked up Jack Skellington… then we took him to our dimension and cloned him what felt like a billion times. Now I guess all that’s left to do is unleash him on the universe and see if he can beat the Grinch. I’m guessing with all those pumpkin bombs and dreadful monstrous presents he should be able to get it done in no time.”
5 minutes later:
“You tell me there are millions of little children all wanting gifts but this monster wishes to steal their Christmas!” Jack said. “Yes!” David said, “And if you don’t stop him the children will be without their presents of rats and bats and such.” “He must be stopped!” Jack yelled.
The next day by 4:00 am Christmas had been saved and brought to the children by an army of Jack Skellingtons.
“Well, I have to admit David, we seem to have accomplished the amazing and protected Christmas from the Grinch.” Ted said, “But aren’t you a little worried about this dark Halloween-ish Christmas Jack seems to have brought?”
“Pft… are you joking?” David asked, “This is awesome; I’m hanging out here every Christmas!” David cast an eye to the sky which held a mist covered full moon. He squinted and was able to catch a sleigh being pulled by a set of dark skeletal reindeer and a ghostly dog with a glowing nose taking up lead silhouetted against the large moon. Perched precariously in the sleigh was the terrible specter of Jack who threw his head back, let out a dark semi-evil laugh and said loudly enough to carry to David’s pricked ears “Ho, Ho, Ho Merry Christmas!” A shiver ran down David’s spine as a grin broke across his face. “Indeed, Jack… this shall be a Merry Christmas.”
On the heels of his wild Halloween adventure, our dubious hero saves [sort of] Christmas in the multiverse. Any Christmas adventure that can weave Fox’s “Fringe”, Dr. Suess’s “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and Tim Burton’s “Nightmare Before Christmas” into a semi-coherent narrative has got to get you into the spirit of the season.
Merry Christmas to All from Joe, Nicholas, David and everyone at Security for All!