Captain X-Ploit: Nightmare on Dream Street

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
– Part 3 of the week long Halloween special –
Nightmare on Dream Street

David was lying in bed reflecting on the bizarre circumstances that would lead to his life being threatened not just one, but two days in a row. It usually took at least a week before danger threatened him twice. “Why does it feel like nothing happens to me right around midterms and then the week after, my life is in mortal peril not once but twice,” David pondered, his eyelids getting heavy.

Next thing he knew David was running for his life. A maniac in a dirty sweater with a bladed hand was in hot pursuit. An evil laugh filled the room and David turned to check if he was gaining or losing distance on the horror. He slowed his run when he saw the man was no longer behind him. He slowed more and turned his gaze back to where he had been running.

*SLAM* David’s mind barely had time to register what had happened. The man had somehow appeared in front of him. He had grabbed David with his un-bladed hand and slammed him into a pipe. At this moment David realized he was in some sort of boiler room.

“Who are you?” David squeaked.

“Call me Freddy” the man said.

The man cut David’s shirt with his blades from his stomach moving toward his throat. It was less than an inch from his face when *BEEP* *BEEP*. David awake to the sound of his alarm shocked to see his shirt was cut exactly like it had been in the dream. “So… now I can’t even sleep without someone trying to kill me? This is getting ridiculous!” David thought as he drew a ragged breath and reached for the phone to dial who he always called when his life was in danger.

“What now? Is an axe brandishing fiend perched over your bed and you require my assistance to collect a hundred supermodels to protect your existence?” Ted asked.

“No, a creepy guy named Freddy wants to slit my throat with some hedge trimmers taped to his hand.” David replied.

“…and you wish me to find supermodels to remedy this?”

“No… I need you to heat up some coffee and fire up the Google.”

Several hours later:

“So… This guy was killed… and he’s pissed… and now he’s going to kill me in my dreams.” David said.

“It would appear that way,” Ted responded.

“I think I can work with that.”

“Pray tell, friend.”

“Well, anyone who has to kill people in their dreams clearly doesn’t like themselves very much. So, I’ll just listen to a self-help sleep tape as I go to sleep. Once he realizes that he just needs to love himself more all will be well.” David said mater-of-factly.

That night:

David found himself in a bright meadow, words like “synergy” and “trust” were etched into the sky above him. Looking around, he was taken aback to see Freddy marching purposely toward him with a look of unrestrained hatred on his face. “I don’t think it mellowed him as much as I had hoped,” David thought.

“Look, all I was going to do was kill you. But YOU… YOU torture me with THIS?!?!?!? And they call ME the evil one.” Freddy whined.

“Are you going to kill me then?” David asked meekly.

“Oh believe me, I’d like nothing more. But honestly I can’t stand another second of this hellish place.”

As if on cue a voice broke into the dream “This the first day of the rest of your life. You will find that your hold the keys to your future. It’s up to you to drive your dreams.

With a flash of fire and screech of metal blades on a chalkboard, the Freddy character was gone.

“As soon as I wake up, I’m going on vacation,” David thought to himself.

Somehow I never would have guessed that Freddy Krueger could be thwarted by some Self Esteem building schlock. Although, come to think of it I probably would have pretty much the same reaction (sans screeching hand blades of course). With this foray into the world of Wes Craven’s Nightmare on Elm Street our intrepid Captain falls back on one of his favorite, tried and true exploits: social engineering. It’s interesting to note that like any good Social Engineering attack, David’s begins with a visit to the Google. Although it doesn’t work out exactly as planned, it still works. Which is the goal of all exploits, no? Keep checking for the next terrifying[ly ridicules] episode in the week long Halloween special.