Captain X-Ploit: The Chronicles of David: Escape From Speeder Bay

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
The Chronicles of David: Escape From Speeder Bay

– Part 6 of the epic chronicle –
Captain X-Ploit vs. The Bills

It had become abundantly clear to David this was no ordinary speeding violation. He managed to catch bits of the conversation between the officers. “It’s David Stone, I can’t believe I was the one to do it,” was the particular phrase that made David rethink his situation. Even as David sat waiting to be processed his mind was spinning with ideas of how to escape this place. Yet even after several hours he still had no idea how he was going to get out of this one.

His situation only seemed to worsen when he was placed in a small cell with an officer standing guard outside. Casting about, David found little in his cell that could aid him in his escape. He finally settled on the guard as being the weak link. Walking to the bars David said “Hey, Mr. Fuzzy, I got some news you might want to hear.” The police officer looked at David and said “What?” Clearing his throat David said, “I have detected one escaped prisoner in your prison. If you let me go I’ll find him and bring him back for you.” The man looked frightened and confused. “Maybe I should talk to my superior officer first…” he said with shaking voice. “My God, man! There’s no time! He’s on the verge of escape!” The man looked at David, sweating profusely with true fear in his eyes. With quivering voice he managed to squeak out “… and if I let you go, you will catch him for us?”

Several Minutes later:

David was wandering down the hall of the prison carrying a note reading “This prisoner has been granted full access to the prison so that he may capture the escaped prisoner.” He was wandering without purpose for the first few blocks. Having had his bagels, coffee and car confiscated he couldn’t help but feel a little dejected. Then it hit him “If I I had a cop car I could speed and never have to deal with this kind of annoyance again!” He then began to follow the signs leading to the garage.

He found it rather strange that he encountered no police officers en route to the garage. “Perhaps everyone is busy or distracted,” he thought as he swung open the door to the garage. Casting about for someone he found a man about to enter a rather nice looking cop car. Sauntering over David said “I’m sorry sir but I’m afraid I’m going to need this vehicle.” The man, who looked shocked, said something David had been hearing a lot lately. “What?” David responded by handing him the note and snatching the keys out of the man’s now limp hand.

Several Minutes later (again):

David was speeding out of the garage and heading home. Hungry and thirsty, racking his brain trying to figure out how to remedy this, he didn’t even notice the gigantic saucer-like object hovering just above him. Didn’t notice, that is, until his car was no longer on the road.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!

Narrator: Do you really think anyone will get the video game reference in the title?

Reader: Do you think anyone actually reads what you write in the end notes?

Narrator: Not really… In fact I think I’ll pass the post game back off to Joseph again. He was doing a better job. Why don’t you take it Joseph?

Joseph:

So once again the good Captain is exploiting the system. This time he convinces the prison guards that a dangerous situation is afoot and that he, David, has the best remedy. This gains him an elevation of privilege that ultimately leads to his escaping with something valuable. If this sound vaguely familiar, it’s no accident. How many times are naive web users confronted with the dreaded “Your computer is infected with a virus!” message with a “click here to fix” button. Yep, the old malware posing as anti-malware trick. In this case our hero(?) nets a nice new police cruiser. In the real world beyond Trustonia the bad guy makes off with your identity or other valuable info. But now I’m wondering what’s up with the flying saucer.

Captain X-Ploit: Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200
– Part 5 of the epic chronicle –
Captain X-Ploit vs. The Bills

We rejoin our hero as he drives onward not into the proverbial sunset I threatened him with. Nay, he drives headlong into the dawn of a new age. No one knew it then, but the world was about to change. Something earth shaking was about to happen that could conceivably rip apart all we have ever known in the world. Perhaps I’m being a bit melodramatic, let me just tell the story as it should be told, with haste and many a punch line.

David was driving home to eat and drink and be quite merry when he saw a posted speed limit sign that informed him that the speed limit was 35 miles per hour. Just as he was reading this sign a police officer in a squad car found fault with his driving and pulled him over.

David was wondering what exactly the officer had found wrong with his driving taking note of his speed of 36 miles per hour. The police officer that emerged from the police cruiser was a rather fat unattractive man with greasy hair and unpleasant gait. He was wearing a police officer’s uniform but atop his bulbous balding head was a cap with a fruity logo on it. David immediately knew that this was not going to end well.

The police officer walked up to the David’s car, adjusting his belt in a superior manner as if to say “I’ve got you now, punk.”

Looking past David as if he couldn’t be bothered with noting the existence of his prey, he said “do you have any idea how fast you were going?”  David quickly responded, “Yes. 36 miles per hour,”

“HA! So you admit it, you were speeding,” the annoying man said.

“The speed limit is 35,” David said, pointing to the convenient sign right in front of them.

“Yes, and 36 is a bigger number than 35,” said the cop condescendingly. Tilting his sun glasses down and for the first time giving David a real good look he said “You’re David Stone, aren’t you?”

“I prefer, Pope David,” replied David smiling. The slow witted man seemed confused by this but took it to mean “yes” and asked David to step out of the car. The officer then said “I was going to give you a ticket but I’d really rather take you to jail for reckless driving”. David frowned and said “I’d really rather not if that’s ok,” the cop looked at him again confused and sneered, “Look buddy don’t try your mind tricks with me, it’s jail time.”

The police officer then escorted David to the police car. And off they were to county lockup.

Tune in next week to see if David can escape the clutches of the evil jail!

Reader: What? That’s it?

Narrator: What? I told you it would be earth shaking. I don’t think you understand HE WAS JUST ARRESTED!!! For the first time ever! That’s freaking crazy stuff, man.

Reader: But he didn’t even find an exploit this week!

Narrator: Look! Ok, it’s really hard to come up with a different exploit every week AND drive the plot forward. Sometimes David needs to have stuff happen to him that he can’t exploit his way our off of or he would just rule the world wouldn’t he?

Reader: Sounds like a cop out argument to me.

Narrator: I’ll admit it kind of is, so tell you what if two readers post comments asking for it I’ll release the next episode early. Maybe on Wednesday instead of Friday.

Reader: Does the next episode have an exploit in it?

Narrator: Yes a great one, one so awesome I had to spend this entire episode setting up for it. THAT’S HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!!

Reader: Fine, let’s just hope your devoted readers comment. Because personally I can’t wait.