Thanks for all the phishing in 2011

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.
From Thank You by Simple Plan

In 2009, the first year of this blog, in honor of Thanksgiving here in the USA I posted an entry about some things I would have been thankful for in 2009. If they were even remotely true. I’m a collector and, dare I say connoisseur, of Nigerian 419 style phishing messages. Since then it’s become an annual event. So without further ado, here is a sampling of my favorites from 2011. The things I’m thankful for.

I am thankful that the Nigerian Government has finally recognized their negligence and are going to help me get my rightful inheritance at last.

—————————————-ICPC NIGERIA ( An Anti-Fraud Unit)
………………………………we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation.
—————————————–Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue

 A LETTER OF COMPENSATION/SETTLEMENT.

 This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of its realistic value.

Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago.
I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am (Mr Emmanuel Ayoola ) the Legal chairman of “ICPC”, (Nigeria’s Anti-Fraud Unit).

On the 1st of October  2000 the former President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) introduced a Commission named the “ICPC”, (Nigeria’s Anti-Fraud Unit) which is duly registered under the United Nations (U.N.O). Secondly, we are mandated by the United States Government to Settle foreign indebted beneficiaries to satisfactory in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies.

You are being contacted by this office today because your Case data is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet. From our Intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of  delay.
The “ICPC”, is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all victims peacefully.
This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nig Govt from our initial Deposit. Your settlement will be actualized within  three working days after your response to this Official Letter.

I was definitely amazed because of the realistic value. And any organization with the motto we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation just has to be legit, right? Although I am worried by the address of the Head Office, Plot 802, Constitution Avenue. Sounds like a cemetery.

I am thankful that the FBI is willing to assist me in transferring my funds from the Central Bank of Nigeria which they discovered through attempting to wiretap the internet.

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY
FROM: ROBERT MUELLER III EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC.

FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET
The federal bureau of investigation (FBI).Through our intelligence-monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal. Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Central Bank of Nigeria. We the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network noting that your transaction with the Central Bank of Nigeria legal. You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund US$15.5,000,000.00(Fifteen million five Hundred Thousand united states dollars).

First Mr Emmanuel Ayoola finds my missing megabucks and then ROBERT MUELLER III EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI contacts me directly to let me know it’s all legal. How sweet is that!

I am thankful for 22-year-old princesses from Burkina Faso who want not only a relationship but desire my help in investing large sums of money.

Dear Sir / Madam,
How are you today,I hope fine? I am a female student from University of Burkina-Faso, Ouagadougou. I am 22 yrs old. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Well, my father died earlier 1 year ago and left I and my junior brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death.I was a princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my late mother is also late two years ago before the death of my Late father. He left the sum of )Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousand united state dollars ($12.5mUSD) in a Bank. This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from Gold Exploring companies operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction. I don’t know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father’s kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my present because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.Now, I urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from the Bank of Africa to your bank account after which i come over to meet with you. and I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me invest this money wisely. I am ready to pay 40% of the total amount to you if you help us in this transaction and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for handling this transaction for us, which you will strongly have absolute control over. Please if you are interested to help me, then get back to me urgent so that I will give you more details including my picturs.
Yours sincerely,
Princess Ruki Yaya.

As much as I’d like to help Princess Ruki Yaya I’m concerned about the statement I am a female as stated by our culture in the town. I’m only interested in women who are female in all cultures everywhere.

I am thankful for dying rich guys who recognize my humanitarian fervor and want to leave me lots of money.

Subject: Dearest One,
Dearest One, Assalam Allekum, My name is Abul Kalam Azad. I am a dying man who have decided to Donate the sum of $18million dollars. to you for the good work of the Humanity. Please contact me via. Email: aazad@yahoo.cn for detailed information on this noble project of mine. Please note that I have WILLED $18m to you by quoting my personal reference number De/Jds/533/0068/HtrI/33ln/eg. So that i can confirm that you actually received my email notice to you. Wassalam and Regards, Abul Kalam Azad

While I appreciate the generous bequest, what’s up with that “Dearest One” stuff and the Yahoo! China email address?

I am thankful for dying rich women who recognize my humanitarian fervor and want to leave me lots of money.

Goodday,

My names are Mrs. Irene Cesarec. I was diagnosed of cancer about 2 years ago, and was receiving treatment for it, but now the doctors are saying I have a short time to live.   

When I was in better health, I never really cared for any body with no children of my own and a late husband I was a selfish and greedy person. I have decided to donate the sum of $10.8M to you, so you can disburse to charities, widows, orphans and less privileged. I was doing this myself but now my health has deteriorated, I wanted my relatives to do this for me but they only saw it as an opportunity to enrich themselves.

I will be going in for an operation soon, I want this last act of mine to be an offering unto God, perhaps he will have mercy on me. Please contact my lawyer with the below:

Quote my ref # : will/Wlaw/Pn/lr/93/ytx/ when responding.

I am sending him a copy of this message as well so he is aware of my intentions, Please use the funds well and always extend the good works to others.

Stay blessed,

Mrs. Irene Cesarec.

Whoa! It’s like deja vu. Sorry Abul but I’m going to have to go with Irene. Even though she’s only giving me $10.8M  she admits to being a selfish and greedy person. My kind of benefactor.

I am thankful for winning contests staged in places I’ve never been to promote products I don’t buy that I don’t recall entering.

TOYOTA MOTORS CORPORATION INTERNATIONAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION 2011 NEW CARS PROMOTION
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the 1ST OF January,2011 by Toyota Motor Company in conjunction with the Japan International Email Lottery Worldwide Promotion,your email address was among the 20 Lucky winners who won US$1,000,000.00 each on the Toyota Motors Company Email Promotion programme dated as stated above.This is from the total price of $20 million United State Dollars ($20,000,000.00usd)shared among the 20 lucky winners.

The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 35,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet. However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy to make sure the money reaches you.

Uh… Not sure I understand any of that or what it has to do with Toyota, but hey I’ll take the cool mil.

Since 2011 was a terrible year for employment I’m thankful that I’ve received so many guaranteed job offers like this one from a company that respects my awesome database management abilities.

Subject: Database Management Position

We have assessed your curriculum vitae and wish to introduce to you a job opportunity in clerical and administrative services at NHN Team. The ideal applicant must possess outstanding communication skills, be attentive to details, perfect reporting skills, responsible and able to work in a fast paced working environment.
The principal duties of the job include but are not limited to: recording orders for services and merchandise, compiling transaction records, compiling correspondence, performing basic bookkeeping and other clerical duties.
At NHN Group we provide an encouraging working environment. The position offers an attractive performance related commission. Flexible schedules, part time and full time available. If you are interested in entering an organization where contribution matters, please get back to work-dept@nhn-jobs.com and we will forward to you further information on this opportunity.
Best regards,
NHN Team

I’m not even sure what a curriculum vitae is but apparently mine indicates that I would be good at clerical and administrative services which is apparently database management.

On a more serious note there was a marked increase in the number of phony job offer phishing in 2011. I usually get several good ones per year, but in 2011 out of the 60 funny emails I saved, 37 of them – a whopping 62% – were phony job offers. Some were completely silly like the one above, but others were pretty decent CareerBuilder forgeries. So while I mock these ham-fisted attempts at fooling the naive, it’s sobering to recognize that there are a lot of really desperate unemployed folks out there who are willing to try almost anything to get a job. And the slimeballs who are exploiting that nauseate me.

Once again I’m thankful that Google Translate hasn’t improved significantly since 2010.  Otherwise this stuff wouldn’t be nearly as amusing. So Happy Thanksgiving 2011. So long and thanks for all the phish.