The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
“Ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for Sara Rachel Boulder”
– Part 3 of the epic chronicle –
Strangers are just Enemies you haven’t met.
Sara Boulder awoke on that shimmering morning in the softest bed she had scammed her way into yet. She wandered over to her victim’s stereo system scanning the shelves for something good to listen to while she got ready for the day. Her eyes fell upon Seether’s new album “Holding Onto Stings Better Left to Fray”. Well at least this sucker has good taste in music, she thought to herself as she put it in and began to sing happily to “Country song” and…
What? <pause> What do you mean I can’t spend an entire post promoting Seether’s new album? <longer pause> Oh come on, IT ROCKS! <short pause> Ok, ok, fine… anyway.
AFTER getting ready she danced down the stairs and raided her victim’s fridge. The reader might be wondering where the proper owner of this house is. Well, at the very moment she was raiding his fridge he was prancing about the park telling everyone he could, to please visit the nearby pub and tell the bartender the keyword “relevant”. He was under the firm yet mistaken belief that if he could simply get 200 people to visit the pub and do this Sara would go out with him.
One might wonder what thoughts would run through the head of a man this pathetically lonely. Well, his thoughts were as follows. Hmm… I’m really hungry… But I only need to get 192 more people to go to the pub… Damn the park is FULL of balding men today I wonder what they are up to… no bother I’ve got to get this done and then I can win back the keys to my house and a chance with the girl of my dreams…
If he had been a brighter man, he would have noticed that the other balding men were doing the exact same thing with different words Sara had found on a motivational poster in the trash outside of the coffee shop. If he had been a brighter man still he would realize that this, in effect, made it so that none of them would be able to get 20 people to go to the pub let alone 200. If he had been a brighter man still he would not have given her the keys to his house as “collateral for this once in a lifetime chance”.
Sara left his house with a heart melting smile on her flawless face when, in a flash of light,
All time stopped.
She knew this because the people had stopped moving and the door had stopped flying shut in her wake. Hmm, I knew I was pretty but I’ve never broken time with a smile before. Damn… I am magical… hmm, no wait here comes an alien he must want to talk to me… but wait who is that wonderful beast he is dragging along with him, she thought.
“Greetings Miss Boulder, I bring with me…” the alien was in the middle of saying when the gorgeous man interrupted hastily “Wow! A world full of people who don’t move! Oh, I know, we must be in Canada! Yes that’s got to be it.” The alien looked pained by the handsome man’s obvious stupidity as he finished his thought “Maxwell Damian Higgens, perhaps the stupidest life form in existence.”
Note from the author: To my adoring fans I have two gifts. The first is a bit of advice and the second is a promise.
Firstly: Go buy Seether’s new album. It’s good.
Secondly: Since I missed last week due to an amazing and unparalleled bout of apathy I will have a Sunday special edition chronicling the past of one Maxwell Damian Higgens.
Now without further ado, I will leave it to our previously scheduled commenter to discuss this week’s episode of Captain X-Ploit.
If the unexpected back-story detour into the world of Sara Boulder hasn’t given you a severe case of WTF then you probably aren’t paying attention. And what’s up with this new Damian Higgens guy? Guess we’ll find out soon.
This episode’s exploit is a classic. It combines the best (worst) parts of 419 scams with multilevel marketing. Kind of like Nigerian Amway. Seriously though, who hasn’t seen those web sites that offer you something really cool – like say a free iPad – and all you have to do is get 10 friends in on it. In the final analysis nobody gets any free iPads and the spammer gets lots of juicy info from their unwitting down-line. Exactly like the poor balding schmucks trolling the park won’t ever get a date with Sara while she gets free use of their houses.