I am thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own
I’m so thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own
From Thankful by Caedmon’s Call
Last year in honor of Thanksgiving here in the USA I posted an entry about some things I would have been thankful for in 2009. If they were even remotely true. I’m a collector and, dare I say connoisseur, of Nigerian 419 style phishing messages. Given the response to the 2009 post, I decided to make it an annual event. So without further ado, here is a sampling of my favorites from 2010. The things I’m thankful for.
I am thankful that my brilliant achievements in medicine are at long last being recognized. At least in England.
THE ROYAL SOCIETY OF MEDICINE AWARDS 2010
Congratulations! The entire management of The Royal Society of Medicine, United Kingdom write to inform you of our RSM Awards 2010, which you have been selected through our electronic database for the best RSM Award for the year 2010.
After several attempt to reach you on phone, I deemed it necessary and urgent to notify you finally about the outstanding settlement of your Award payment.
This was initiated by The Royal Society of Medicine, United Kingdom in collaboration with Her Majesty (The Queen of England), to compliment your laudable efforts on medical practices, your humanity contribution to life across the world and to also serve as motivation to improve your ability toward quality healthcare service delivery. We hereby inform you of your reward sum of nine Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterling, (900,000.00) as one of the winners of (The Royal Society of Medicine Awards 2010).
Based on our arrangement, the Award Dinner Night comes up on Monday the 27th December, 2010 therefore, you are advice to indicate your interest of receiving the award by reconfirming the below stated information:
I am thankful for online tech support that is so proactive they send me Skype messages about vulnerabilities on my Windows PC. To my Mac.
[11/20/10 3:04:31 PM] Online Support: WINDOWS REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ATTENTION
URGENT SYSTEM SCAN NOTIFICATION ! PLEASE READ CAREFULLY !!
For the link to become active, please click on ‘Add to contacts’ skype button or type it in manually into your web browser !
FULL DETAILS OF SCAN RESULT BELOW
WINDOWS REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ATTENTION
ATTENTION ! Security Center has detected
malware on your computer !
Microsoft Windows Vista
Microsoft Windows XP
Microsoft Windows 2000
Microsoft Windows Server 2003
Impact of Vulnerability: Remote Code Execution / Virus Infection /
Recommendation: Users running vulnerable version should install a repair utility immediately
Your system IS affected, download the patch from the address below !
Failure to do so may result in severe computer malfunction.
I am thankful for the thoughtfulness of Western Union, even if they get a bit testy because I’ve yet to claim my windfall. Although I am a bit confused by that partly payment under a loop of batches of payments deal. Probably just a Western Union thing.
FOR YOUR ATTENTION,
Your fund lodged with Western Union® INTERNATIONAL MONEY TRANSFER for your collection. Your fund has been sent to you by Western Union®/ Act on this email ASAP
This is to notify you once more that your fund portfolio/file is in the list of those that will receive their fund payment of $1,240.000.00 (One Million Two Hundred And Fourty Thousand Dollars) this week. You are to receive a total of $5,000.00 (Five Thousand Dollars) everyday and a maximum of $30,000.00 per week until the full approved sum are exhausted.
Since last 2 weeks, Western Union section in Bank Of Africa, Carre N°912, Cotonou 05BP1972, has made first sending to you of a partly payment under a loop of batches of payments of $5,000 each as the Western Union Rules insists that each transaction cannot be above $5,000. BUT YOU HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO US NOR ACTED ON OUR DIRECTIVES.
I am thankful for famous dead people who are concerned about violating my high ethical standards prior to proposing a shady deal. I guess that since the advent of telephones, that telegraph thing hasn’t panned out too well for Sam.
Do accept my sincere apologies if my mail does not meet your personal ethics.I knew that this mail will come to you as a surprise, but please do not be discouraged with my proposal; it was due to how things are moving with me. However, this correspondence is unofficial and private, and it should be treated as such. At first I will like to assure you that this transaction is 100% risk and trouble free to both parties.
My name is Mr. Samuel Morse, a Fund Manager with Fidelity Investment, UK. I handle all our Investors Capital Project Funds which enabled me to divert 1.2% of Investors Excess Return Capital Funds to our Magellan Trust Funds Account where anyone can be presented to claim the funds. Total sum of Fifteen Million, Seven Hundred and Forty Five Thousand British Pounds (15,745,000.00)BP has been diverted, representing 1.2% of Excess Return Capital Funds from the Investor Capital Project Funds for 2006/2007 fiscal year.
I need a reliable and trustworthy person with whom I can work this deal out so that we can claim the funds as mentioned above. There is no risk attached and the funds in question can never be dictated or traced.
Mr. Samuel Morse
I am thankful for Western Union MoneyGram office that wants to help me get some of my money back from Nigerian 419 scams that I was apparently a victim of. This guy also has a strangely familiar, albeit misspelled, name. I’m just wondering why a nice American investigating officer has an email address for an outgoing mail server in China. Must be another Western Union thing.
After proper and several investigations and research at Western Union and MoneyGram Office, we found your name in Western Union database amongst those that have sent money through Western Union to Nigeria and this proves that you have truly been swindled by those unscrupulous persons by sending money to them through Western Union/MoneyGram in the course of getting one fund or the other that is not real, right now we are working hand in hand with Western Union to track every fraudsters down, do not respond to their e-mails, letters and phone calls any longer as they are scammers and you should be very careful to avoid being a victim to fraudsters any longer because they have nothing to offer you but to rip-off what you have worked earnestly hard to earn.
In this regard a meeting was held between the Board of Directors of The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and as a consequence of our investigations it was agreed that the sum of sixty thousand US Dollars (US$60,000.00) should be transferred to you out of the funds that Federal Government of Nigeria has set aside as a compensation to everyone who have by one way or the other sent money to fraudsters in Nigeria.
Contact the Western Union agent office through any of the email addresses stated below;
Please note that e-mails, letters and phone calls are currently been made to unsuspecting persons by fraudsters claiming to have access to their funds. Everyday, people throughout the world are falling victim to scams of one way or the other. It could be an unexpected prize draw or lottery win, or a chance to invest in an exciting new money-making or investment programme . In the circumstance, we unreservedly advice you to dissociate yourself from all correspondence and transactions entered into based on evidently fraudulent and fictitious claims.
I am thankful that restoring my lost funds is of such high national priority the the director of the FBI sends me status updates personally. I must admit that I expected Director Mueller to have a better grasp of American English, but he probably has his minions respond to the trivial stuff. But I am concerned that my fund is laying down with DAVIS MARK – that sounds kinky.
ROBERT MUELLER III
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET
After through investigation and many series of complain we found that your fund is laying down with DAVIS MARK which you have to contact him now so that you will have your fund without any delay and stop any further communication with anybody or whosoever we will get them arrested get back to us whatever your communication with him so that it will be brought to notice if anything araises. So contact him now which you have 4working days to recived it.also stop any further communication to whom ever your are dealing with because we are watching you if you like to received your fund conact the said person now.
Mr Davies Mark Email:firstname.lastname@example.org <mailto:email@example.com>
contact him and call him as well that we sent you to release your fund whatever he said do get back to us and stop any futher communication to whosoever or offices,bank,minstry i hope i have made myself clear.
Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
I am thankful for the broad International human rights effort being made to get me money I didn’t even know I had coming. Again I would have expected that Mr.Kenneth Thomas, being not only national security adviser to the United Nation Owed Debts Payment Recovery Commission Representative but (UN) Human Right Activist In-charge Of All Pending Consignment/Fund Release would have a better grasp of British English and could afford something better than a free Yahoo Japan email account. Must be a UN thing.
UNITED NATIONS (FBI/IMF ASSISTED PROGRAMME)
DIRECTORATE OF INTERNATIONAL PAYMENT AND TRANSFERS,
WIRE TRANSFER/AUDIT UNIT Our Ref: WB/NF/UN/XX029
(United Nation) Human Right Activist Dept
On Debts Reconcilation On Foreign Payment Matters,
Unit B1, 50 Bank Street London E14 5NS,
SUB: IRREVOCABLE RELEASE OF YOUR PAYMENT VIA CONSIGNMENT BOX.
I am Mr.Kenneth Thomas,the newly appointed national security adviser to the United Nation Owed Debts Payment Recovery Commission Representative,here in London United Kingdom.
I am delighted whole heartedly to inform you that the contract/Inheritance panel and unclaimed fund which is seating in London,United Kingdom territory just released your name among the presently approved beneficiaries to benefit from the diplomatic immunity payment. This panel was primarily delegated to investigate and to genuinely manipulated all debts and claims as it has eaten deep into the economy of the Great Britain-London.
However, we wish to bring to your urgent notice that your payment profile is still reflecting in our central computer as unclaimed fund Emanated from Bank In Africa in my department where i work to the (UN) office while auditing was going on today. Your file was forwarded to my office by the chief auditors as unclaimed fund. At this moment, I wish to use this medium to inform you that for the time being the Geat Britain -London has stopped further payment through bank to bank transfer which you were previously having with the Authority from the Originated country where your fund was sent from that country in Africa over a period of time now due to numerous petitions received from the FBI,IMF and other financial and security agenices to monitoring the UK Government against their banks on wrong payment and diversion of funds to different account in many dimension.
In this regards, I am going to use my good office to send you your part payment in the tune of $6,000,000.00 (Six Million United States Dollars) only by cash to you via a universal immunity diplomatic means. In process of doing that, i will personally secure every needed documents as a representative of the (UN) office now to cover the money been your still yet unclaimed payment which is now in London United-KIngdom including the legit affidavit to claim this very particular payment from the British high court here in London UK and also with a clearance which will bestow the right and legit privilege to you as the rightful beneficiary who is to recieve this payment after meeting up with the delivery requirement as the law stipulate which are the documents i’m securing for you right now once you accept to finalise this transaction with me only.
All these will be only on the condition that you will give me only %10 out of the funds which is just ($600,000.00) Out of $6,000,000.00 you are to receive as soon as you receive the money on your door step which will come to you in the form of a consignment method.
Note: The money will be coming on 2 security proof boxes The boxes are already sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine by the management of this organiziation and i also want you to know that the management are not aware of my personal plans or arrangement with you in this transaction, so you have to keep this as a very top secrect between the both of us till me and you are able to conclude this very transaction completely.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: for security reasons and to also enable the both of us to conclude this very transaction successfully, note that the diplomat coming with the consignment boxes will not know the original contents inside the boxes that he will be delivering to you. So what l and our accredited management here will declare to him that is inside the consignment boxes is a sensitive photographic film material and some classified volume confidential company’s contract documents.
Please note categorically that, before i proceed with the next arrangement, You are adviced to call me immediately on my direct telephone number +44-792-457-3520, so we can talk and agree properly before i seal this transaction with you and if you need further clarification I’m pleased to hear that and remember to send the required informations directly to my Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org and I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the diplomatic immunity clearance certificate that will be tagged on the box to make it stand as a diplomatic consignment.
This clearance will make it pass every custom checking point all over the world without any hitch. All this I will do with my own money as your partner.
Please, I need urgent reply on phone because the box are schedule already to live as soon as I hear from you. You should call me immediately you receive this message through my confidential number +44-792-457-3520 at once. I am highly submitted in service and willing to serve you better whole-heartedly once you are pleased with my terms & condition.
CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN.
Respectfully Yours in-service,
(UN) Human Right Activist
In-charge Of All Pending Consignment/Fund Release.
Unit B1, 50 Bank Street London E14 5NS
Direct Tel: +44-792-457-3520
I am thankful for damsels in distress who thoughtfully provide links to sports stories at the end of their pleas for help and vague promise of riches. What guy could resist that? I wonder what’s up with all the Yahoo Japan email accounts. Think maybe their Captchas aren’t working too well?
Good a thing to write you. I have a proposal for you-this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour against your will. I am Miss Sarah Traore,21years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs Nathaza Traore .My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant)who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on 12th.Febuary 2007.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time.But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 4 years old,and since then my father took me so special. Before his death on Febuary 12 2007 on our to the hospital and he disclosed to me secretly that he has the sum of Sixteen million,seven hundred thousand United State Dollars.(USD$16.700,000) left in fixed deposit account in one of the leading banks in Abidjan Cote d ivoire Africa.
I am just 21 years old and really don’t know what to do.Now I want an account overseas where I can transfer this funds. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast.The death of my father actually has brought sorrow to my life.I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards.Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions?
1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is in your account?
Please,Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.
Thank you so much.
My sincere regards,
Miss Sarah Traore.
I thought you might enjoy this story from ESPNSoccernet.com.
AZ does it
Once again I’m thankful that Google Translate hasn’t improved significantly since 2009. At least the Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba to English translators. Otherwise this stuff wouldn’t be nearly as amusing. So Happy Thanksgiving 2010. So long and thanks for all the phish.