Security For All

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
– Part 1 of the week long Halloween special –
The Devil Walks Among Trustonians

David woke that day with a curiously plot convenient bout of forgetfulness. He had completely forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and instead focused on his morning and preparing himself for what would turn out to be the most terrifying week of his life. As David slumped in front of his TV with a bowl of cereal and flicked on the news he nearly dropped the bowl when he saw the face of the most evil man Trustonia had ever seen! David’s stare intensified as he sought to gobble up every scrap of news he could from the story.

“Earlier today the notorious babysitter/family killer known as Michael Myers was spotted in Trustonia. Undoubtedly everyone remembers when Myers escaped from the Trustonia insane asylum. He left over 15 bodies in his wake as he butchered his way through nearly every mildly slutty babysitter in town. The only living survivor to see him, known as ‘the one with the modest sweater and glasses’ has refused to comment stating a ‘severe case of teenage angst’ and requesting to be left alone so she can cry. Dr. Clearly Amoral has stated his fear that Michael will return to the house ‘where it all began’…”

David actually DID drop his cereal as the words “where it all began” were spoken and the camera cut to a picture of none other than David’s own house. David immediately grasped the danger. If this was Michael’s childhood home where he had murdered his family, then he would definitely be back and not too happy about David being there.

He thought for a while, debating whether or not to leave his house. He finally settled on not leaving. “There has to be a way to keep my house AND my life,” he thought.

Time slipped by, as it so often does in horror movies, and about an hour later David had his complete, formulated answer. He picked up the phone and called Ted. “Ted!” he screamed with barely restrained panic in his voice, “I’m in mortal peril! I need sleazy, promiscuous baby sitters… LOTS OF THEM… FAST!”

There was a quiet pause on the phone for a few moments before Ted slowly, but politely replied “I fear you may have ingested some form of hallucinogen whilst sampling the Halloween candy early, my dear friend. Might I suggest navigating your way to the nearest hospital?”

“Oh Har-de-har-har [sarcastic laugh], Ted. I’m serious. Deadly serious! Serious like ‘Michael Myers is going to kill me’ serious! I need you to use your power as president to host some sort of national competition for the best sleazy, promiscuous babysitter costume at my house.”

After explaining the situation and his plan to Ted, David prepared his house for that evening’s festivities. After boarding himself up in his room with all his valuables he sat with his laptop and prepared to watch the carnage unfold.

Several hours later:

Surrounded by a large number of dead babysitters on David’s now gore-streaked lawn lay Michael Myers, quietly napping. The reporters and police rushed on the scene and officially pronounced him exhausted but available for sequels. Apparently he had “slashed and stabbed to the point of exhaustion”. One police officer slapped a pair of handcuffs on the masked, serial, slutty babysitter killer remarking, “Aww… he looks just like a sleeping baby.” The reporter agreed, “The big guy’s all tuckered out.”

David couldn’t help but feel like something equally crazy was going to happen tomorrow for some reason. Maybe he’d watch a movie to try and forget this nonsense.

Welcome to part 1 of the terrifying[ly ridiculous] Captain X-Ploit Halloween week special wherein the good Captain finds himself matching wits with some famous horror movie villains. Unlike the hapless teenaged gore-fodder in the original cinematic shockers, our [sorta] hero must use his unparalleled hacking abilities to save the day. For himself at any rate. Not so much for the sleazy, promiscuous, babysitter costumed extras in this homage to John Carpenter’s Halloween. Stay tuned for even more terrifying, yet amusing  horror send-ups during the Captain X-Ploit Halloween week special.