Security For All

There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock. — Author Unknown

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The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
Greeting another morning in Trustonia
– Part 1 of the epic chronicle –
Captain X-Ploit vs. The Bills

David awoke this cheery summer day in his usual way, to the sound of his phone ringing. David had arranged, by the means of an online service, a wake-up call every day at 10 am. The average person would pick up the phone and hear the happy digital greeting saying “good morning, <insert name here>.” But David is far from your average person.

David had long ago discovered that the website collected a $1 call charge, adding it to your phone bill when you answer the call. While David enjoys waking up every morning to a voice saying “Good morning, David!”, he does not enjoy spending his money. So being clever, he came up with a solution: changing his ring tone to a voice saying “Good morning, David, you smart, handsome, brilliant, amazing…” it goes on from there, but you get the point.

After brushing his teeth to the steady stream of compliments spewing forth from his phone he walked over and pressed the deny call button. David looked out the window and gave a good loud yawn-stretch. It was a cheery enough day. The sun was shining and the people walked with smiles on their faces as is the custom in the small town of Trustonia. David couldn’t help but let out a smile himself. He always enjoyed starting his day with a good cup of coffee from the local coffee shop. The thought of that warm sweet coffee was not the only cause for his smile, however, today was also his favorite day of the month. Bill day!

Now for the average person bill day is hardly a day for celebration. It is a day for sober reflection on how lucky one is to have a job and money to pay for things like water and shelter. Things that, in a perfect world, you would get for free. But as I have already said, David is far from your average person. He sees bill day as a thrilling opportunity to solve progressively more complex puzzles. You see, David doesn’t work, and in fact has not held a job for years.

To this day he cringes at the mere thought of the hell he endured during his one day as a retail associate. For the average person it would have been a decent job, but not for David. No, David insisted on writing what was, in his mind, a short list of three hundred or so ways to avoid doing the tasks he was given. Then he presented the list of ideas to his boss, who apparently in a fit of pure joy and celebration at the wisdom of the words promptly fired him.

But I’m straying from the point I fear. Back to bill day. David enjoyed bill day most of all because it offered him the opportunity to use his unparalleled intellect to find new clever and creative ways to avoid paying his bills. At least with his own money. He had so far tried and succeeded with ploys ranging from arranging for his dog, also named David Nicholas Stone, to be responsible for paying the bills to convincing the bank that David Nicholas Stone’s bills had been paid at least several times that month. This month David was excited to see what new tactic they would use to get him to pay and what clever way he could dodge it. Every month along with the bill came a new letter of rules defining everything from who must pay to how they must be paid.

David’s rumbling stomach afforded him little time to dwell on the past and the upcoming fun. Right now he needed food and coffee.

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit is a new feature of Security For All written by guest blogger Nicholas Webster. Each week you can follow the antics of David Stone and get a glimpse into the mind of Captain X-Ploit. In case you haven’t worked it out yet, this is an allegory of cyberspace viewed through a hacker’s prism. Let me point out that while our (anti-)hero is, at least in his own mind, quite clever his primary motivation is money. And if getting bills with a letter of new rules each month seems eerily familiar in a compliance sort of way, rest assured it is no mistake. Feel free to comment with ideas, interpretations, alternate realities or whatever. But be careful out there in Trustonia because I’m pretty sure that Captain X-Ploit is not out to save the day. Your day at any rate.